Well well well, we finally got some electric offensive performances in the NFL. Miami, obviously, but there were big fantasy performances all over the place. My favorite part of the weekend is when I remembered I made a bet with Nick prior to the season about the Denver Broncos win total… if you can believe it, Nick took over 9 wins. I know I don’t need to inform you guys, but Denver is 0-3, and just got beat 70-20 by the Miami Dolphins… who barely beat the 1-2 Chargers and the 1-2 Patriots. Anyway, let’s recap some of the action this week!
We all have to feel for Dallas a little, you always hate to see the 2nd highest scoring team losing to the highest scoring team. Hard to have worse luck than that! Dallas loses to Ragen 124-131, after Chase and Mixon do their best to make things interesting! Ragen gets a 38 point monster performance out of Mostert (even though his backup dropped 50), and Tua hangs a 31 on the Broncos. Sprinkle in 23 from Jefferson and Jake Elliott and the Cleveland defense did the rest of the work. Dallas had an entire team show up and do their part, especially Amari Cooper, but he fell 7 points shy and gets his first loss in 2023. Ragen picks up his first win on his path to Emancipation Fornication. It’s a young season, but Ragen has the 2nd most points scored and has to settle for being in 8th place currently, I’m sure he’s grouchy about that.
In what had to be the most entertaining game of the week, Tank and I traded blows like Rocky and that big Russian mother fucker. Jacksonville failed me miserably, the kicker and the defense, but Herbert, Moss, and Walker III all knew the assignment. Tank’s second highest scorer was Tyler Bass, with a monster 15 points, then Tank called the sexiest 30 bomb ever from Davante Adams. Then Swift did everything he needed to do, except a touchdown, to put me in a comfortable lead, then Mike Evans scored like 11 points in one drive late, and that’s all she fucking wrote (since the Eagles refused to give the ball to Swift anymore, cunts). Tank pulls off the 118-116 victory and currently sits in 3rd place!
Nick jumped out to a nice lead with Deebo and Moody on TNF vs McCaffrey, but ends up losing the battle with Eric after Keenan Allen loses his mind, along with DeShaun Watson finally sort of playing football. Can’t believe Russel Wilson couldn’t score more than 17 points in a game where he had to throw constantly. I’m so shocked he’s not good anymore. Who could have predicted that?? Eric Rim Rider Saylor remains unbeaten, and comfortably sitting on top of the pole of the league, which of course is a statement of fact and is in no way a comment on his sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the defending champion gets knocked down to 0-3. I didn’t want to bring up the fact that Mason had like 160F less than Nick to draft with, but since Mason is 2-1 and Nick is 0-3, I do think I should at least mention it.
Speaking of Mason and his Unloved Puppies, they came back down to earth in Week 3, only getting double digit points out of Goff and the Philadelphia defense, and lose to the TyFreaks (Scott’s team) 96-64. Scotty Mo, on the other hand, got solid totals out of his squad to get the easy win. He can’t be happy with Derrick Henry or the Cowboys defense, but a win’s a win! Scotty squares off with Dallas in the Battle Between Two Rich Bastards in Week 4, while Mason tries to bring his puppy bullshit into the house of thick black women playing with bananas, which is Stunning & Brave.
No Chubb, no problem for AO in Week 3. It sure helps when you get to play against the worst fantasy team ever assembled, but AO gets 32 points from the Bills defense after the rest of his team mostly underperformed. I am obligated to point out Bradley finally got double digit points from a WR/RB in Week 3! Romeo Doubs with 13! Woo! Bradley is riding a three game streak of having a goose egg in the lineup, can’t wait to see how long that streak continues! OTT IS HIM moves to 2-1 and 5th place in the young season, moving on to face Emancipation Fornication. Bradley heads in to giftwrap a win for Spencer for his birthday week, what a nice guy!
The Cocaine Bears and No Safe Words were locked in a close, muddy, gritty game in the trenches. Lamar and Chubb were the only signs of life for Jake until Evan McPherson and the Pittsburgh defense came through big. Spencer couldn’t get much out of the squad, and Devonta Smith was a big let down on MNF. Jake jumps up to 2-1 and 6th place, while Spencer takes a momentary slide in the standings ahead of his bye week.
Huge game for Nick to avoid going 0-4 against his mighty Purgeness in Week 4, and I’m especially excited to see the Battle of the Wood, Eric vs Jake. Feel free to take this one down Jake, nobody needs Eric walking around all smug and 4-0.
Commish Out!
Sep 27 3:06 PM
Comments