The defending champion of the league, desperately looking for his first win of the year started the week in a 35 point hole after David Montgomery dominated Green Bay on TNF. To pour the most salt in the wound, Achane (Miami’s new featured back) outscored the man Nick just traded for 26-1. For the second time this year, Nick rolled out three Denver Broncos starters… I don’t think I need to tell you guys how not well this is working. Tank moves on to 3rd place, at 3-1, and has to be a fairly happy clam. Meanwhile, the rest of us are wondering how Nick drafted such a shit team with 198F.
Eric Saylor is rolling out fucking Geno fucking Smith and still somehow making this league his little bitch in 2023. Yes, the New York Giants realllllly helped his point total, with their offensive line and Daniel Jones attempting like 1.7 passes further than 10 yards, the Seattle defense and McCaffrey REALLY got the job done this week. Oh, so did Nacua, and Jacobs. The rest of his team was hot trash, but go ahead and try and talk shit to the man who led the league in scoring in Week 4, is 4-0, and still has that teenage surfer sexiness. I dare you to try. Somehow Jake is 2-2 even though I swear to god his team never scores ANY points. (Checks actual stats) Oh! Sure enough, he hasn’t broken the 100 point mark once this year. Side note, if Nick had Jake’s schedule this year he’d also be 2-2.
Honestly, the matchups this week were boring as fuck. If it weren’t for Mason and my heartpounding matchup, I don’t see how anyone had any fun. You’re welcome mother fuckers. Fuck you Mason, and fuck Daniel Jones. If he was even slightly less useless I would have gotten the points from my boy, KWIII. In case you missed the matchup between Mason and I, Mason’s team blows, but by some miracle, Kyren Williams got two TDs, and my team also sucks. Mason is 3-1. He drafted with 45F and didn’t spend 2F of it. What a difference a brain and 19F make (Bradley drafted with 24F). Side note, Nick would also be 3-1 if he had Mason’s schedule.
Tyfreak was finally put on a leash by the Bills defense, but AJ Brown dominated (and was then immediately drug tested by the NFL https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/eagles/2022/10/31/eagles-aj-brown-drug-tested-steelers-game/10651309002/) and the Cowboys defense took it home. Dallas had the answer with Stefon Diggs, but Mahomes and the San Fran defense were no match for the other side of the ring. Scotty Mo is in 2nd place and nipping at Eric’s heals, even though Scott had 161F more to draft with. Side note, if Nick had Dallas’ schedule he’d also be 2-2.
AO put the spank on Ragen in Week 4. Who would have thought a Chicago stack at QB and WR would have actually worked? Probably no one! But boy did it. I’m sure AO agrees, Chicago can lose all it wants if Fields and Moore are gonna actually put out in fantasy. Ragen gets a crisp zero from his recent sexy acquisition, DeebHoe, and despite Jefferson’s nice game, this one was a blowout folks. Side note, Nick would also be 3-1 if he had AO’s schedule this year.
Spencer only needed Isiah Pacheco and the Kansas City defense this week to beat Bradley. Or only Josh Allen. It certainly doesn’t help when Bradley started the QB in New Orleans that most definitely wasn’t going to play. Bradley’s year is so bad, that the quarterback who wasn’t supposed to play, played a snap, and threw a pick. A bright spot for Bradley continues to be his kicker, Riley Patterson of the Detroit Lions. Okay fine, it’s a super dim, definitely broken light of a bright spot. Side note, Nick would be 2-1-1 if he had Bradley’s schedule (Smash cut to Nick simultaneously being furious about the fact that he’s gotten unlucky with his schedule, but also wildly thankful I did the work and pointed this out so he can constantly bring it up to excuse his shit, mostly Bronco, team. Picture Nick being very sad, shouting “FUUUUUCK!” followed by a mean face rub.)
That may have been the best commissioner note I’ve written. I’m going to go with it definitely is. Soak in it, just like the Mormons baby! Commish Out.
Oct 3 10:26 PM
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