FOOTBALL IS BACK BABYYYYY
Summer is cool and all, but man, life really is so much better once the NFL is back post Labor Day. I had a spectacular time with you guys draft weekend, as I always do, even though I definitely left my two speakers on the golf cart Thursday, and didn’t realize it until much, much later. I’m so glad Ragen was cool enough to let us play cornhole inside, and I am very happy for Dallas and Tank and their 11 game beer pong winning streak. I’m still trying to recover from a culinary perspective, after eating the most delicious meal on the planet supplied by Scott (Nalley’s chili frito pie dog). I’m ecstatic that Eric Saylor has run with, nay sprinted with, his passion for stats, and the fact that we all get to access them, and other amazing things, with our very own website. I feel sorry for all of you, for somehow allowing me to draft a playoff team with 130F, but I certainly don’t feel sorry for Nick and CMC not playing Week 1. Let’s jump in boyos!
Sideline Karmalytics comes out ripping, putting the hurt on Young & Sucked with a 29 point rout. The Ravens looked not so great, but Lamar is still Lamar, and turns out Joe Mixon has the ability to be a fantasy workhorse for 15 fucking years straight, still getting it done with the new team. Sprinkle in vintage Cupp, and a litty titty kicker performance, and you get to 122 points pretty quick! Mason has to LOVE what he saw from Stevenson and the Pats, probably liked what he saw from Rashee Rice, but had to pretty much hate everything else. If things don’t turn around, this will most definitely be a 9th place year, not a 4th place year. (I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Mason has played five seasons with us and has only gotten two different places in the final standings). Nice little option for Mason with the Jordan Mason stash if CMC and Shannihan continue to be massive pussies. Nick will blow a circuit, but he’ll probably pay a nice amount of next year’s cash for him once it’s clear CMC needs even MORE time. Moving on!
Dallas sneaks out what ended up being a tighter game than anticipated going in to MNF, thanks to Moody absolutely losing his mind. You have to feel for Scotty, hate to see Puka go down so quick, and Marvin Harrison Jr with a nice and healthy goose egg. Jones, Conner, and Worthy are bright spots to work off, but Scott is gonna need Kyler Murray to do Mighty Mouse things, instead of whatever it is he’s doing currently. Ironically, Dallas named his team Dem Other Boys and grabbed a couple Houston guys, but it was the Cowboys on his team that carried him through to a victory. 38 points from the Cowboy kicker and defense, sure helps a lot!
Bradley got 21 points from his QB and 25 points from his defense. He only scored 59 total, but goddamn it, he got 46 from two positions! Let’s count ‘em; one, two, and there it is, three goose eggs in the starting lineup, along with a couple players scoring 1. Jake started off hawt Friday night with a 33 point debut from Saquon. Man, can you even imagine how cool it would be to be a star running back in the NFL and get the opportunity to leave the present-day Giants to go play for the present-day Eagles?? Richardson makes Jake look slightly smarter with the 11F price tag, and even though the rest of the Bare Bottom squad didn’t do too much, Jake rolls through the Weekend at Bernies with ease and a nice point total. By the way everyone, it’s official, Bradley has until October 3rd to get his community service done before he gets fined 69F. I called him on September 3rd, so I gave him four weeks. His draft cash is frozen until the community service gets done.
“CUMING OF RAGE SUCCUMBS TO PULL OUT METHOD”, “CUMING OF RAGE OVERTAKEN BY PULL OUT METHOD”, “PULL OUT METHOD BLASTS CUMING OF RAGE”. Goddamn it Ragen, you misspelling “cumming” ruined all my decent headline options. Jayden Daniels and AJ Brown carry most of Spencer’s team, with Jefferson, Gibbs and Bijan chipping in. Ragen got a great game out of the bad boy Tyfreak, but Breece couldn’t make any Monday night magic happen to get the game close. The 31 points from Ragen’s boy, Jayden Reed, on his bench may keep him up for an hour or two random Wednesday nights, however. JK Dobbins had himself a day, and I would have thought a nice enough day to crack Spencer’s starting lineup, but as of now, for Week 2, Spencer has not given ole JK the nod. You better hurry Spencer! He’ll be hurt before too long!
Underwhelming matchup between AO and I, however I am anything except underwhelmed at picking up the Week 1 win. Purdy and Herbert sucked, Goedert and Schultz sucked, Aiyuk and Odunze sucked, and the Tampa and Cleveland D’s sucked. You know who didn’t suck? Kenneth Walker III, Alvin Kamara, and Stefon Diggs. My mother fuckin boys. Isaiah Likely sure didn’t suck, he was on AO’s bench where he deserved to be, but had to be mentioned. AO has some work to do, but I will take my win and see you in Week 12 my friend.
Tank and Nick, two of the massive power houses on paper, had themselves a low scoring barn burner. The second lowest scoring matchup of the week featured Josh Allen with a 30 burger, Jordan Love getting hurt, and Nick having to bench CMC due to injury, which was obviously the matchup losing issue. Probably shouldn’t have cheaped out on Mason there Nick! Amon-Ra St Brown scored one point, Drake London scored one point, lot of high profile fantasy players in this matchup, crazy to see the final score 84-77!
With Week 2 upon us, I have my eyes set on Dallas and Nick’s matchup. Will CMC play? What if Nick starts 0-2? Are the Bengals (and Ja’Marr Chase) ever going to be good again? Dem Other Boys vs 3 in 5 is gonna be wild, I can tell. Bare Bottoms vs Cuming of Rage is another high profile, early season matchup. Why does Yahoo hate Jake’s team? 87 points projected for the team currently sitting in 2nd place? Can Cuming of Rage cover Bare Bottoms? I plan to, later this evening (giggity).
Happy football, boys, and happy Week 2!
Commish Out.
Comments