After coming dangerously close to winning in Weeks three and four, the Wizard found the perfect potion recipe in Week five. His opponents are averaging 73.33 points per game against him over the last three, and for the first time all season Weekend at Bernie's drops 85 points and collects the W. The fact that he pulled off the win without Kirk Cousin's monster 37 point, 500 passing yard, 4 TD explosion is what might be most insane. Mooney's 25 was the high watermark of the matchup, but all my Seahawks (Walker, Myers, Defense, 25 points total) underwhelmed, and Kamara couldn't keep my Monday Night magic alive. Weekend at Bernie's remains in last place but has a new sense of self. Bradley beats me and I give him the greatest team pic ever (see above). You're welcome cowboy, and congratulations on the win. Also go fuck yourself!
Ragen visits Dally in Boise, Ragen and Dally bang some hooors Friday Night, Ragen gets beaten by Dallas for only the second time in the history of our league (regular season). Not only does he get beaten, he gets curb stomped by Dem Other Boys. Ja'Marr Chase goes off, Tee Higgins goes off, Bowers, Swift, and Evans chip in, Dally hangs 144 and the high score in the league. Ragen is gonna get back Hurts and Smith for Week 6, good thing too because he's playing Eric, Deshaun Watson and Tyreek suck, and he's 2-3. Here's a stat for you, Tyreek Hill had 25 catches for 302 yards and scored 1 touchdown without Tua between the 2022 and 2023 seasons (that was only four games). We now have four games this year without Tua, and Tyreek has 16 catches for 158 yards, no TDs. OUCH. Dallas moves up to second place, 4-1 on the season, and a friendly matchup against a delicious Cinnamon Danish team.
3 in 5 knocks off Young & Verrrrry Wrecked 107-68 for a much needed win. Nick's team finally scored some points! It wasn't anyone who he paid real money for, but it was the waiver wire special, Tucker Kraft, and the long lost DJ Moore finally putting up some numbers. Mason just can't catch a break. After very appropriately benching Garrett Wilson and Rhamondre Stevenson, they both respond by putting up nice totals. Mason started the year with Garrett Wilson and Rashee Rice, which looked like a nice WR core, this week, he started three WRs (no Rice or Wilson, obvi) who totaled 7 fantasy points. Mason picks up Geno Smith for 3F and a back alley BJ and looks to right the ship against a pissed off I'm In My Prime team looking for blood. Can we take a moment to acknowledge how crazy it is that Mason, who owns Patrick Mahomes, is about to start Geno Smith in fantasy. Wild stuff. Nick heads into the annual Battle of the Blue Hairs, The Retirement Home Rumble, Nick vs Scott 2024, incoming!
Sideline Karmalytics pops off with the second highest scoring total of the week, handing Spencer and Pull Out Method their second loss in a row, 128-91. This matchup featured the #1 and #2 quarterbacks in fantasy, Lamar Jackson vs Jayden Daniels, and Lamar spanked that little LSU Tiger bitch's bottom! 35 points from the best throwing RB in the league, Eric loses Nico Collins to the IR but he should theoretically be getting Cooper Kupp back in Week 7. Meanwhile, Spencer is STILL not-so-patiently waiting for Travis Kelce to score in the double digits in 2024, the chiefs keep winning but the star players aren't producing for fantasy managers (cut to Mason yelling "No shit! Fuck you Mahomes!") Spencer gets the not-so-guaranteed bye week Weekend at Bernies in Week 6, hoping the Wizard has run out of magic so he can get the Pull Out program back on track.
I've been going on and on about Bradley's wizarding to make it so teams don't score points against him, but Jake Elliott may have sacrificed a few homeless people in a ceremony that I can only assume he asked Bradley for help with, as he continues his modest winning streak while his opponents are averaging 77 points against him per game for the season. A 36 point explosion from Burrow fuels the 99-89 victory over Scott and The BJ's, while the Mighty Mouse and James Conner continue to do their part, but Marvin Harrison Jr failed to score in the double digits for the first time since Week 1. Derrick Henry is the #1 RB in fantasy, Jake is in first place, and I cannot imagine how rock hard that makes him while both those things are true. How many times a day do you guys think Eric catches him starting to jerk off at his desk? I imagine this to be his jerkoff material.
In our other big upset of the week, AO ruins Tank's weekend plans, handing Tank his FOURTH loss in a row after Caleb Williams finally shows some talent. Likely and Roschon Johnson chip in a combined 27, add in another 13 from Butker, you get a 90 point outing and AO's second win of the young season. Josh Allen has temporarily forgotten how to play football, although the Texans might just actually be real good. Brian Thomas Jr was a bright spot, but Tank's seemingly very sexy team at draft time is slowly but surely falling apart from a fantasy perspective, as I imagine Tank's soul may be as well. It doesn't get any easier for Tank, as he squares up to face the #1 scoring team in our league, Bare Bottoms.
We're in the meat of the season now boys, it's Week 6, it's fantasy football, and we are the Bro Montana Bowl!
Commish Out.
Pic is fantastic