I’ve been on my death bed the last 48 hours, most certainly with some version of COVID. I’m back from the grave, just in time to be in Las Vegas for 3 nights to celebrate your nemesis, my brother, Nick’s 40th Vegas birthday weekend is about to commence! I’m literally about to board my plane and speed through this as fast as humanly possible.
Spencer and Pull Out Method take Mason and Young & Wrecked out back and spank them like the little delinquents they are, 117-83. Bijan scored over 20 non-ppr fantasy points back to back weeks for the first time in his career these last two weeks. I was a little worried he'd be a bust and my new favorite mustard company would go out of business. Bijan with 23, Jahmyr Gibbs with 30! The Rams Defense chips in 17, and Spencer has this whole Pull Out thing perfected for the first time in his life, to be fair, it's probably the first time he's actually tried it. Spencer is tied for the best record in the league once again, is sitting in 2nd place, and moves on to play Scott and the BJs. The BJs are currently on a three game losing streak, and if I remember correctly Bon Jovi was somehow tied into Scott's name, I believe it was because of Bon Jovi's hit single, Hangin By A Thread! Nono, Livin On a Prayer! That's ittttttt.
Speaking of Scott and the BJs, if you remove the Week two, 132 point explosion, Scotty Mo is only averaging 83.67 points per week, during his three game skid, he's averaging 81 per week. It's not atrocious, but it's definitely not what you'd like to see. He gets knocked down this week 101-85 by your favorite commish. The workhorses were Baker with 29, KW3 with 20, and the Denver defense with 20. You guys want to take a wild guess at who the #2 player in fantasy might be? Anyone? Anyone at all? Okay here's a hint, he's on my team, he's very sexy, and okay I'm just gonna give it to you it's Baker, my boy Baker Mayfield. #2 guy in fantasy trailing only Lamar Jackson. For Scotty, the bad news is losing three games in a row and not scoring a lot of points, but on the brightside, Puka might be back!
Eric unloaded on Aric this week, no doubt trying to prove the superior way to spell their names, 114-51. Eric's scoring summary was kind of wild; he had three players combine for -2 (Watson, Singletary, Jets Defense), and then he had three players combine for 79 points (Lamar, Mixon, Kyren Williams). It's a big day for Eric, Mark Andrews got into the fantasy double digits for the second week in a row! Lamar Jackson is disgusting, and I'm having a hard time remembering the last time one team provided us with the #1 fantasy QB and #1 fantasy RB. Scratch that, it was wildly difficult to look up as well. Regardless of the past, the Ravens are pulling this feat off this year with Lamar and The King, Jake has never masterbated more in his life, and Eric just witnessed the birth of his second human baby. Eric moves up to fourth place, has the most points scored in the league, and moves on to face Tank and !!POUND FOR POUND!!
Jake, his stable of award winning stallions, and Bare Bottoms rolls past Nick and 3 in 5 109-84. Najee Harris somehow put two great fantasy games together, in a row! The Sun God broke 20 for the first time this season, but The King and Saquon combine for 53, and the rest of the squad did plenty enough to take care of business. I’m sure Nick is stoked to be 4-3 and in 7th place without McCafferey playing a snap, and the truth of the matter is he has gotten extremely lucky. Jake is looking strong, back on top of the league in standings and a chance to knock Dally out of the tie for first in Week 8.
Tank picks up a MASSIVE second win in a row with a 98-82 victory over Dem Other Boyz. Josh Allen, Kareem Hunt, and Brian Thomas Jr lead the way for !!POUND FOR POUND!! Dally gets 21 from Dicker the kicker, and still refuses to start Goff, but it wouldn’t have mattered for the matchup this week.
Ragen cruises through his bye week as Weekend at Bernies loses 39-96 in a lopsided one. Ragen got 1 total point from the WRs in his lineup, but his RBs and the greatest kicker on the face of the earth got the job done for him. Seibert is only 4 points from being the #1 kicker in fantasy, behind Boswell, but Seibert didn’t even play week 1. I have such a boner for this Seibert guy, bang my line Ragen!
Trowbridge bowl in Week 8, with the Trowbridge’s in the same city. Nick is turning 40. AO is going to be a famous rapper. Jake’s penis has never been so raw. COVID tried to kill me, but Vegas had other plans. Happy week 8 boyos!
Commish Out.
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