2025 - Week 1

Welcome to the 2025 season, gentlemen! The Chiefs are 0-1, The Dolphins are terrible, the Bengals offense REALLY hates fantasy owners, Aaron Rodgers can still throw footballs, and Josh Allen has the biggest pee pee in the entire league. WE ARE SO BACK BABYYYYY!!

It was a very low scoring Week 1 in the Bro Montana Bowl, but Tank leads the way with 92 on his way to a 21 point victory over Bradley. It's really really good to see The Wizard score more than 50 points, but turns out, Bradley can't work a smartphone, and is dedicated to ensuring low money totals in future drafts after his kneejerk, 32F purchase of Keon Coleman. Bradley, mail your phone to me in Bend and I'll get your damn team name changed! Caleb Williams somehow looked about as bad as ever, but carved out 23 fantasy points to make him the high scorer of this matchup. Bijan kicked in 21, Achane had 13, and Tank didn't need much else to secure this win. Kaleb Johnson, the big buzz rookie RB in Pittsburgh, was kind enough to continue Bradley's streak of 169 games in a row of having a goose egg in the lineup, and for that, we thank him! Bradley moves to 8th place, and I'm certain nobody remembers the last time we got to say that! Atta boy!

Duped up and Lubed up takes down Tripping Balls in Paul's historic first ever matchup in the Bro Montana Bowl. Spencer's second best player (tied) was his defense, and Paul's second best player was his kicker, that's how sad point totals were league wide. Spencer's highest point scorer, Zay Flowers, was safely on his bench. Wait, Paul's was too, but nobody can blame you for starting Hurts over Herbie. You're beautiful Paul, you're doing so great! Spencer needs to take some goat sacrificing lessons from Bradley to get the Commanders stack rolling in Week 2, he takes on the Ripped running royals (capitalization of that gay team name could really use some work) who are looking for a bounce back win.

Speaking of the Ribbed Fagboys, I'm gonna need some help from my stat guy here, because there's no way anyone has ever won a matchup with four goose eggs in their starting lineup! That is of course unless the team with four goose eggs also had Josh 'Massive PeePee' Allen put up 41. That's right, my team was a pile of hot steaming shit all weekend, then Allen strapped everyone to his back and ran up Raven mountain. I would like to point out to Nick personally that JK Dobbins outscored RJ Harvey, and I would also like to point out to everyone that the Zero RB strategy is only gonna work if your stud WRs can score points. Or if Josh Allen chooses to engage demi-god mode. The sexier, less ripped, gayer Trowbridge won this round. See you in Week 12 big boy!

Repo Ric had a team total of 30 points going into the Sunday night game. Scott was up 37 points... Lamar and The King looked a lot like yellow Lamborghinis on forest roads to put up 59 between the two of them. Chicken Cock Whiskey couldn't get a single player into double digits outside of Baker, as he looks ahead to The Dogefather in Week 2. Repo Ric (easily my favorite team name to say) will square off with Ties and Tears, our fearless defending champ this week.

Dallas sure tickled the taco, he beat Ragen 83-65 and the difference in this matchup was the difference in scoring at the QB position. Mahomes 25, Dak 7. Tee Higgins outscored Ja'Marr Chase 3-2...lol. Aaron Rodgers has four tuddy's and DK only scores eight points?? Ouch. Man, this was a really bad scoring fantasy week, I'm running out of interesting things to say, these matchups are all weirdly similar. Out of all the losers in Week 1 I like Ragen's team the most for bouncing back in a big way. Sorry Paul.

Last, and certainly least for scoring, the Dogefather breezes past Mason without manipulating a single crypocurrency. Breece Hall WAS THE HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER IN THIS MATCHUP. He only scored 16, but I never thought I'd be typing that sentence. Now Jake might have to start Fields AND Breece Hall. Joe Burrow sucks, Xavier Worthy was murdered by Taylor Swift, and Kittle heads for the IR. If Mason had gone ahead and smartly started Purdy over Burrow, and Odunze over Worthy, he would have gotten himself a win. Better luck next week! Mason vs Bradley. Jake vs Scott.

Caleb, Spencer, Ragen, Scott, Dallas, and Mason will win in Week 2, your Commissioner's predictions.