2025 - Week 3 & 4

Well boyos, I failed you in Week 3. I could blame the last minute running around needed for the Ryder Cup trip. I could blame golfing my two best nine hole scores in the same week. I could blame my son for needing me to be a father (and undefeated flag football coach). I could blame the State of Oregon for allowing a woman to drive, and then run into me. And you know what? I WILL!! I WILL BLAME ALL OF THOSE THINGS. Goddamn it though, I need to be better, for you, my boyz. In the spirit of making the best of a bad situation, I'm gonna change things up this week. I'm obviously doing both Week 3 & Week 4, but instead of running it down matchup by matchup, I'm running down Team Manager by Team Manager. Head to the bathroom, wait for the good stall, and get that dick ready because here we go!

The Chosen, The Damned, Mason is off to an ice cold start in 2025. In Week 3, he put up 57 points for the second time in three games, and lost CeeDee Lamb to an ankle injury. He had six starters score 3 points or less, and found himself on the losing side of a very low scoring matchup against your boy and his Carnival Staff. Let's look at some bright sides! #1 He made the correct scoring decision benching Jared Goff for Danny "Mother Fucking" Dimes. Danny only scored 15, Goff scored 12, so it was obviously the right decision. #2 Jahmyr Gibbs is the fucking man, scored 21 points and is still a bad boy. #3 He had two other players on his bench besides CeeDee score 0 points... he didn't start them! #4 Unless the Cowboys are fucking with everyone, or complete morons (most likely), CeeDee's injury must not be holy shit bad.

In Week 4, The Chosen, The Damned, Mason put up his second highest scoring total of the season! Unfortunately for him, it was 66 points. Jahmyr was solid, not great, and his highest scoring player Woody Marks and his 23 points were on his bench. Danny Dimes did not outscore Jared Goff, even though Goff scored 12 points again, and one has to start wondering what Mason did to piss the fantasy gods off, because this team sure LOOKs like it should be scoring more points. Mason drops the matchup to Spencer 97-66, changed his team name (the right move honestly), and has to face down the #4 ranked team in the league, Mr Slick and the Taco Tickler, Mr Ryder Cup himself, Ragen.

Next up, we have Dog The Bounty Hunter's forest booty, Repo Ric. In Week 3, he cruised past Tripping Balls 124-95, making taking things from people look real easy... Lamar dropped 26, Nico Collins was good for 17, Indy defense with 16, but the real hero here was David Montgomery and his 31 point monster performance against the Ravens. We interupt your regularly scheduled Commish Note programming to bring to you an important question regarding our good friend Jake Elliott and if he's okay. If anyone has seen or heard from him in the last two weeks and can confirm, he is in fact okay, please do so immediately by calling our secure phone line. Speaking of Jake Elliott, the professional kicker, that little bitch only scored 3 points in Week 3!

My, my, how one week can change so much in Fantasy Football. In Week 4 Ric got to watch Lamar score 9 and get hurt. David Montgomery scored 1, and Eric switched kickers (rightly so) to Joey Slye but THAT little bitch scored -4! Repo Ric got 28 out of George Pickens, but it wasn't enough to catch the Ripped running gay'alls and their 112 points. Repo Ric looks ahead to a big matchup against the top dawg, undefeated Lost In The Sauce. The good news for Ric is Tank doesn't have a QB that he can start. The other good news for Ric is without Lamar I would think King Henry returns to form. Or the defense loads all 11 guys in the box. Shit. Well, gonna be a big matchup! I envision fireworks and champagne.

Mr Slick and the Taco Tickler celebrated Jonathan Taylor losing his mind for the second week in a row, making JayTay the #2 RB in fantasy. He went for 30 in Week 2, and 32 in Week 3. He got 10 from McBride and 11 from Etienne Jr, but the rest of his team didn't really do much. While Ragen was celebrating his fantasy win over Nick (always a good time, amirite), he had to watch the Packers lose to the Browns where the Browns somehow scored all their points in the final 3 minutes and 38 seconds.

In Week 4, while partying his dick off in NYC, Ragen had to witness Bijan (26) and the Detroit defense (19) help ensure Tank beat him 117-90. Ragen is somehow consistently starting Chuba over Etienne (Now the #6 RB in fantasy), which cost him net -15 in Week 4. On Sunday night, thankfully he was distracted by the Brooklyn girls that took us home as the Packers tied the Cowboys 40-40, the Packers defense on his team scored -3, and he started Love over Dak which cost him -5. Days later, he may have finally recovered from NYC, and we'll see if his team can recover as he faces The Damned in Week 5!

Ripped running royals take a spill in Week 3, losing to MS and the TT 78-97. Tracy Jr scores only two points and hurt his pretty little shoulder. Coming off a 21 point explosion, Tucker Kraft could only muster two points, and Calvin Ridley, who hasn't scored more than five points this year scored only two points in Week 3. The Sun god and Puka, who have been spectacular so far, chose the same week to play shitty (for them) scoring 13 and 14, respectively. I don't think Nick read the guidebook to a zero-RB strategy, because you're supposed to load up on a handful of RBs hoping two of them are serviceable. With Tracy going down, the stable is getting empty real quick!

Things heated up in Week 4 for Nick! Drake Maye continues to be a solid option at QB, scores 23. The Sun god dropped 19, and Puka "Bad Boy" Nacua drops 26. "Oh nooooo, Davante Adams is in LA, Puka is probably gonna suck nowwww" - All the dumb fantasy analysts. Well who's dumb now?? Puka is the #1 WR in our league and just because I love my brother so very much, I will point out that #2 is Amon Ra St Brown. So yes, if you were wondering, Nick executed the zero RB strategy much better than me by drafting WRs that are actually good. Fuck me for thinking Justin Jefferson would be better than #15. Thankfully, my RBs actually score points. Nick, let's merge our teams. We would be unstoppable. Let's put all the good players on my team, don't worry, I'll totally give you so much verbal credit when I win the championship. Ripped running royals sprints past Repo Ric 112-81, currently sits in 2nd place, and has the most points scored in the league. That hurt me a little to say.

Stolen Valor picked up his first victory of the young season in Week 3, beating down The Dogefather 102-69 (nice). 50 points from James Cook III and the Minnesota defense seems good. 16 more from Kyren Williams and Bradley only needed four more points from the rest of his squad to beat Jake's ass. He did start Dalton Schultz over Dalton Kincaid for reasons that are very unclear. In this battle of the Daltons, it's not even close which Dalton is superior.

In Week 4 the Wizard engine continues to pick up steam! Bradley spanked my Carnival ass 112-82. James Cook III continues his dominace with a 21 point effort, securing his position as the #1 RB in fantasy. Carson Wentz chips in 24, Jordan Addison scores 14 in his first game back, but Matt Gay was the real bright spot here, as Bradley gets 18 points from the kicker slot. For those counting at home, Bradley got 30 from a defense in Week 3 and 18 from his kicker in Week 4, some real Wizard shit. He even left a 30 bomb from Stafford on his bench but I'm conviced he did it on purpose, just to make my New York hangover a little worse. Bradley is SO BACK BITCHES!!!! Two wins in a row??? I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME BRADLEY WON TWO IN A ROW. The scary thing for all of us is it was probably the year he won his last championship. Yes, that was like 2003, but still a little scary when a Wizard gains his strength back. He squares off with his fellow Roseburg comrade, Duped up and Lubed up, Mr Spencer Hutchings.

Speaking of sexy train men, Spence dropped a tough one in Week 3. If only he had started Scary Terry one more game instead of Zay Flowers, the net six points would have been enough to beat Tank. Geno looked good with 25 points, Hunter Henry had a 21 point explosion, he even caught Tank with Bijan's worst week of the season, by far. Alas, he loses 97-93 in the closet matchup of our young season (up to Week 3).

Week 4 he was so back baby!! The matchup reallllly helped, since he only scored four more points than Week 3, but he beats up The Damned 97-66. Josh Jacobs scored 27 points. Saquon threw in 13, Davante with 11, but the real helpful role players were Butker (12) and the Denver defense (10). Duped Up and Lubed up survives a bad quarterback outing and sits at 2-2 with almost the entire rest of the league.

(Loud presidential fanfare music) Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present, the only remaining undefeated team in the Bro Montana Bowl in 2025, Lost In The Sauce, TANNNNNNNNKKKKK! He's certainly benefited from the second least points against in the league, but he's tied for second most points scored. Caleb Williams has been a bright spot, the #7 fantasy QB scored 28 points in Week 3 to lead Tank to the 97-93 victory over Spencer. Bijan only scored 10, but KW3 pitches in 16, throw in 14 from Garret Wilson and you have yourself a nice little team victory. Courtland Sutton had 20 on the bench, but he had a goose egg the week before so its hard to blame Tank for the non-start.

In Week 4, Lost In The Sauce silenced the league wide rumors that his team couldn't actually score points. The critics have nothing to say after his 117 point explosion and victory over Ragen. 26 from Bijan, 19 from Detroit, Wilson and Sutton for 14 a piece and the rest of the team filled in nicely. Something important to monitor here, Tank happens to have the #1 kicker in fantasy football currently, Spencer Shrader. The best other player on his team is obviously Bijan, coming in as the #3 RB. He lost Trey Benson to IR, but Tank's team is OBSCENELY deep. He has at least two running backs on his bench that Nick would murder a village in Africa for. He moves on for a tough test against Repo Ric and the Forest Fuckers in Week 5.

After a 2-0 start, the defending champ was probably feeling pretty fucking cooooooool. Over there in beautiful Boise. With his beautiful girlfriend, living in her beautiful house, with her fucking sweet patio football watching setup, sitting at 2-0 as the defending champ, CAN THIS MAN NOT BE STOPPED??? Turns out, his team got a little over their skis. They didn't come out focused, probably partied too hard at Humpin Hannah's Saturday night, only scored 72 points in Week 3 and Dally's obscene hot streak found it's first speed bump. Mahomes was trash. Higgins scored 1 point, Chubb scored 3, Kamara with 5. Thank god for the Seattle defense throwing up 17, otherwise this could have been SUPER embarrassing.

Week 4! It's a new week! A chance to get back on track! No no no says The Dogefather, not so fast Dally Pooter. Mahomes had a good bounce back game, scored 26, but the rest of Dallas' team didn't get off the bus. Tyreek Hill got off the bus then almost lost his fucking leg, my god. Dally loses 82-108, drops his second game in a row, and has to go find a goat to fuck, I mean kill, to get this team back on track. Bright spots: He has the #2 defense in Seattle, and the #2 kicker in Aubrey. I hate to admit it, but Mahomes is the #3 fantasy QB. Downside is he doesn't have a WR or RB even sniffing the top ten in either category. Gonna wanna pump those numbers up. He moves on to play Tripping Balls in Week 5, let's see if he can right the ship.

As our scholarship interviewees know (because we tell their dumbasses) there's a lot of luck involved in fantasy. No one knows this more than my good friend Paul Love. Tripping Balls is currently averaging 116 points per game against him. I don't care how good your team is, it's going to be hard to get dubs with numbers like that. If he had Mason's schedule, instead of 1-3, he'd be 4-0. Craziest part is, Mason with Mason's schedule is 1-3. HAHAHA Got him! In Week 3 Paul put up a respectable 95 points. 29 from Hurts, 18 from Hampton (is the rookie heating up?), 16 from the Pitt Defense, and 15 from Smith-Njigba. 95 points was good enough to beat half the league, unfortunately for Paul, he played Repo Ric and got blasted 124-95. On to the next week!

HE DID IT! HE FUCKING DID IT! Paul Love with his first ever victory in the Bro Montana Bowl. Give the young man a round of applause, he deserves it, because the win didn't come easy. His rookie RBs WENT OFF. 33 from Jeanty, 24 from Hampton (he is heating up folks!), 15 from Johnston (nice pickup Paul), and 19 from Hurts gets him to the finish line. Tripping Balls beats Chicken Cock Whiskey 120-117. He didn't even need the 23 points from Doubs on his bench. Congratulations Paul, maybe your luck is changing! Maybe not, though, fantasy is a fickle bitch.

The Dogefather, my boy Jakob Elliott was nice enough to give Bradley his first win in 2025. Would be super cool if he wanted to score 69 points when playing me. Like ever. McCaffrey, Nix, and the KC defense were his top scorers at 13 a piece, and that really tells the entire story of why his team sucked in Week 3. Let me give my boy a bright spot! He showed great discipline and restraint by not starting the Baltimore defense (scored -4) and started the KC defense (scored the aforementioned 13) for a net 17 gain! 52 points scored would have been hard to overcome mentally. On to the next!

You know for a fact, the man that I spent years tenderly touching his balls, that man will not stay down long, unless he's in your bed in which case he will. The Dogefather bounces back with a 108-82 ass slapping of Ties and Tears, climbing to 2-2 and getting himself firmly back in the mix. Bo Nix looked goooooooood and scored 28 points. McCaffrey scores 19, Houston defense with 14, Tyler Warren with 13, Breece Hall with 11. He's in 9th place but that's semantics, my boy is tied for 2nd along with nine people. In Week 5 he gets welcomed to the thunderdome, except the thunderdome is a carousel. Welcome to the Carnival bitch, the staff have a wonderful little present for you in 2025.

Chicken Cock Whiskey, it may not have been the best team name around but Scotty Mo did us all a favor and knocked the defending champ down a peg in Week 3. Jordan Mason had a breakout 26 point effort. The Philly defense scored 15, and everyone else on the squad just did their fucking job for this win. Malik Nabers only scored one point, and Scott missed the 18 point coming out party for Skattebo, but a win is a win, so who cares. 97-72 was the final tally, nice work Scotty!

Not a lot of things worse in Fantasy Football than losing your best player to injury, for the season (cut to Nick nodding sadly in the corner, still demanding for Shanahan's firing), but the thing that could make it worse is losing the fantasy matchup you were in by three points because said star player couldn't score more than two before he got hurt. Malik Nabers goes down for the season. Drake London finally showed life with 20 points! Bucky Irving finally had a game with 23! Philly defense scored 15 again! Alas, all for naught, Scotty loses his best player, and the matchup 120-117. Hey Jaxson Dart might be super fun! And he might be good! Really sucks he may not have anyone to throw the ba.... shit, sorry Scotty.

Well boys that's a wrap. I'm not doing a run down for me. I'm naked, sweating, it's dark in here, and that took me more time than I'd like to admit. All I can say is Jake is going down this week, happy Week 5!

Commish Out.