2026 Week 5

Biggest headline of the week, Captain Cuck does his own fucking! Started things off with Bucky Irving in primetime on Thursday Night Football, 165 yards rushing and two TDs from the young man. Parker Washington hangs 27 against Philly in London, and all of a sudden I’m down 59 points before my squad can even start! Jahmyr Gibbs was stellar, and Puka was great, but Christian Watson ensured there was no coming back for me. Scotty puts me away 139-96, gets his first win of the season, and is now hoping for a magical run. Captain Cuck squares off against Bradley in Week 6.

Chronically mismanaged gets back to scoring a disgusting amount of points, but the Tactical Diet Coke team refused to lose. Somehow, Kittle and Ashton Jeanty were the only two players on Tank’s team to score single digits. Everyone else contributed in a big way. The Jameis/Nabers stack was sexy, and Spencer Shrader, the Indy kicker, piled on 21 points as well. Josh Allen, James Cook III, and JSN returned to their original positions of anchoring this team, but Chase Brown, Dalton Kincaid, and Rome Odunze couldn’t find their way. As Mason had mentioned, he left 21 from Likely on his bench, but he still would have been 1 point short at the finish line if he had started him, so no harm there. Tank gets his second win in a row, moves up to fifth place and moves on to face Rage Bait. Mason gets his second loss in a row, but has the league licked on points scored so he’ll continue to be at the top of the pack.

Drake Maye continues to haunt Nick this year, in the worst possible ways. Our tightest matchup of the week here, Dynasty again drops another one to Game of fat heads (genius name change by the way) 96-99. Drake Maye scores 41 on Nick’s bench, and Cam Little misses an extra point to help secure the loss for Nick. Matt Stafford hangs 30 up on the Buffalo defense, and Aaron Jones Sr looks like a professional running back once again. Nick, still searching for his first win, squares up with the current one seed, Bear-ly Legal, in Week 6.

Rage Bait handles Touched by the Tism with relative ease in Week 5, largely due to his kicker, Jason Myers scoring 23 damn points. Spencer got 28 from Goff and 17 from Fairbairn (the fuck was up with kickers in Week 5??), but very little else across the board, including a goose egg from RJ Harvey. Ragen sits in second place alone, but what’s crazy to think about is if he had loss that matchup to Nick instead of the tie he received, he would be all the way down in 8th place right now due to his lack of scoring. It’s almost like ties are kind of cool… Spencer will face some Frothy Holes in Week 6.

DyNasty Win vs Frothy Holes was a grindy battle. Eric got 86% of his scoring from Jayden Daniels, George Pickens, and the Texans defense. Pickens scored 22 while CeeDee scored 0. Dallas got over a third of his scoring from Jaylen Warren. Fascinating scoreboard to look at, but Dallas gets the win and settles in at fourth place in the standings. Eric slides to eighth in the standings but gets KWIII the back from a bye in Week 6. Dallas has to face The Commish with an injured Jalen Hurts, which actually probably doesn’t matter because he has been trash.

Lastly, The Bears-who-are-technically-of-age-to-fuck breeze past Fear And Loathing. Derrick Henry and the Jets defense were the stars for Jake, with Tyler Warren putting up a rushing TD. Mark Andrews and Najee put up zeros, and Fear And Loathing is only averaging 50 points per week so far this season. Jake’s only averaging 93, but the schedule has been friendly and he is alone at the top. Turns out, lead the league in least points against and that can really help things out.

Commish Out!