2026 Weeks 1 & 2

Gentlemen, I come before you as but a humble commissioner, full of regret and sorrow. Robbing you all of the chance to read a Week 1 Commissioner Note in 2026, on time, is something I can never give you again. The time has passed. The ship doth sailed. The tears, already soaked up by tampons. You have my deepest apologies, but more importantly, you have my solemn vow. I vow to be better! Until, of course, I am not. Here we go boys! With my incompetence comes forth an opportunity to do something a little differently. I will be providing you with a combined Week 1 & 2 Commish Note in a little something I’m calling main character, protagonist style. Nobody knows what that means these days, mostly because I just made it up. I’m diving in. No warm up needed. FUCK IT, WE’RE DOING IT LIVE!

My name is Mason “Mother Fucking” Reed. My favorite thing to do in the Bro Montana Bowl, historically, is to be mediocre, but HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE ME NOW BOYS?? In week one, I beat the living shit out of the defending champ who can’t come up with team names (seriously though I think he should start letting his seven year old come up with them) 134-105. I know he’s going to bitch about being the 4th highest scorer and still losing, but guess what Nick?? Turns out, it’s impossible to lose when you score the most points! Maybe you should start trying that! You guys remember when you thought I paid too much for JSN? How do you like 21 points in a game his quarterback died AND the Seahawks only scored 13? Any of you ever heard of the deep sleeper I drafted at quarterback? Has an ugly wife and he sucks at golf? Oh wait, I didn’t start Kurt Warner, I started Josh “I’m the fucking man” Allen, and he hung 38 on the proposed best defense in the NFL.

Sometimes I’m so good at things, I surprise even myself. My original plan at TE for the draft was to get my boy Kittle, obviously, but I was too busy spending money on players that would actual win me a title so I had to settle for Isaiah Likely for 1F. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. 19 points on Sunday Night Football? WHOOPSIES. Guys, I scored 138 points, and the guy I spent 69F on only gave me 6 (Cook III). You’re all so fucked it’s not even funny. I fucking love my chances this year babyyyyy…. but it’s only week one and I probably shouldn’t overreact too much.

(After Week Two)

HOLY FUCKING SHIT HAND ME THE TROPHY NOW! You know I hear the best way to follow up an impressive week one, highest scoring performance, is to follow it up with an immaculate, even higher scoring high score performance. First I beat the shit out of Nick 134-105, then I beat the living shit out of Scott 152-73. Honestly Scott, pretty sweet you didn’t have a good week, it would have been wasted in the face of my herculean effort. Josh Allen with 39, James Cook III with 22, JSN with 36!!! Just for shits and giggles, I rolled out a double tight formation just to laugh in the face of Scott while kicking his ass all weekend. Hey if anyone needs an incredibly high profile and fantastic quarterback, Brock Purdy is gonna be sitting on my bench all year while Josh Allen sets records in my starting lineup. 2-0, averaging 143 a week, and feeling the big boss man I’ve always known I could be. I typically don’t believe in name changes, but I obviously mis-named my team. Chronically Mismanaged? More like Hyperacute Domination. Or, better yet, The Crematorium the way I’m burning the old guys in this league. I can’t wait to watch you peasants compete to see who faces me in the championship. See you at Christmas.

My name is Rage Garrison. I spend every off season trying to get you dumb mother fuckers to hear my logical arguments in support of fractional scoring. Seriously, you are all so fucking stupid sometimes I want to smash my head through my phone (not you Spencer, not you Eric). I misspoke in the thread earlier, Nick is definitely Darth Maul and Caleb is the Emperor, because Caleb needs Nick to fight all his battles for him, both intellectually and definitely physically. Thanks to the Bears learning how play football for exactly one game in a row, my matchup with Bradley was shockingly close. Obviously I got the job done, but if Cincinnati is going to score 33 points, how the fuck does Ja’Marr only get 1?? McBride was solid, but it’d be really fucking cool if ANY of the running backs I drafted wanted to something. Jesus. Achane? Trash. Etienne? Trash. Love? Less bad, but still Trash. A win is a win, but I really need Ja’Marr and Egbuka to figure their shit out.

(After Week Two)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I HATE ALL OF YOU WE ARE DOING FRACTIONAL SCORING STARTING TOMORROW. I have to be honest, after the sun god hung 29 on TNF I was a little worried, but thankfully Nick’s team sucks just as bad as mine does. What the fuck Trevor Lawrence? Goddamn it, I knew I should have started Shough, but the Ravens defense scared me too much. You know what I decided to do against the Ravens defense? Start Travis Etienne. UGH. I spent all week going back and forth between him and Tuten, only to make the wrong fucking call to cost me a win. I can’t believe I fucking tied. This is so gay. I hate you all, but honestly somehow not as much as I hate my team right now. Bang my line, everyone is on the block. How the fuck am I in second place? Shit, maybe ties are a sick tiebreaker. Fuck you Nick and Caleb.

My name is Dallas Reid, I’m in love with a badass sugar momma and you know what? I’ve decided I kind of like this whole winning at fantasy thing. Gonna keep it rolling. Well not this week, had some bad luck. I score the third most points in the league and I have to face the second most points in the league. Fuck you, Tank! JayTay set me up nice with 21, got 19 from Goedert (wasn’t expecting that), 24 from Hurts alright, alright, then my fucking Cowboys embarrass me on national television! Come on CeeDee! I’m gonna need more than 10 from you during a primetime game. Aubrey what the fuck? -1? Goddamn it! Alright, nothing to worry about here, my squad is dialed, the Cowboys are still gay, we’re good.

(After Week Two)

BOOM BABY! That’s what I’m talking about! JayTay with 25, CeeDee with a 30 spot! My boy Aubrey answering the call, scores 16 and the Cowboys get the dub! I don’t want to be too mean to my boy AO, but DAMN, 128-30 that’s a 98 point blowout my friend. If Brock Bowers wants to go ahead and jump into this starting lineup, I’m gonna be living la vida loca. Is Jonathan Taylor the best RB in the NFL? Again? Damn I love owning him. Had to start Blake Corum in the flex, I don’t love that, but I’m in 3rd place, love that! Have a tough matchup coming up this week…don’t love that. But I have an opportunity to beat Mason’s ass and snag first place… love that! I may need to find a TE, bang my line boys.

My name is Bradley Seehawer, I have a strange ability to get fantasy wins despite gift wrapping 50F of my bank account to Tank every single year, and lighting another 50F on fire when I feel like it. Oooooooo D’Andre Swift getting all sexy for me. I have to admit guys, drafting three TEs, starting two of them, to only get 7 combined points stings. Why the fuck did I trust Matt Stafford in Australia over Patrick Mahomes? Oh wait, I remember, the Rams are supposed to be unstoppably good and Mahomes was ass last year. Damn it! I sacrificed a gecko, and the fantasy gods whispered something about Jalen Coker, I thought they just wanted me to pick him up but turns out they wanted me to start him so I could win Week 1. Classic Wizarding mixup, I’m always a little rusty to start the year. I had five players combine for 14 points, I’m gonna be fine this year, fuck you, gay boys!

(After Week Two)

You dumbasses can talk all the shit you want, but I’m gonna kick all your teeth in this year with 88F, my van, and some spells. 143-102. Talk about Frothy Holes, I just gave Eric the best cream pie of his life. Mahomes for 31, Kelce with 19, Davante looking vintage with 34! Just get Puka off the field permanently and I’ll be fucking gravy. I may be the best defense streamer in the world. Carolina with zero week 1? I’ll take them. Immediate 25 ball from the Panther defense. I’m in fourth place with the biggest middle finger up I can find. I have the third most points scored and you all can suck my dick from the back. I’m gonna change my name four more times before the season is over too. Oh by the way I owed Tank a big favor so I had to trade him Kittle. Really hate to see the TE stable dwindle but it had to be done.

My name is Eric Saylor, thank god someone around here is good with numbers! They call me stat boy, but I prefer Scorecard King. Little golf humor for all of you. Man, I thought I was dead in the water coming into Sunday night. Montgomery and McPherson did their jobs but everyone else on my team took the weekend off. Lo and behold, there’s a reason I spent 52F on KWIII. Hilarious you all thought the Super Bowl MVP going to Andy Reid’s offense wasn’t going to be the bell cow of the century. 33 from my boy! Blow Dix couldn’t even score 12 points total to make things interesting, I’ll happily take down the big draft money, gay, commish to start 1-0. Actually one more thing, first time in the history of our league someone spent 4F on a defense and that defense scored negative points in week one. GAY!

(After Week Two)

OUCH. I definitely didn’t have Bradley scoring 143 on my bingo card, like ever. My starting quarterback somehow dislocated the same elbow he dislocated last year, how the fuck is that even a thing? It’s nice to see DeVonta and Jake Ferguson show some life. I have the best kicker in the league with McPherson, and I still scored over 100 with only half a quarterback. I’m in fifth place with the fourth most points scored, most points scored against, and I’m staring down a friendly matchup against Nick if I can find a quarterback with a pulse. I’m gonna be just fine, Nick how much money you want to lose on our matchup??

My name is Spencer Hutchings, I’m irresistible to the opposite sex while maintaining my standards of dress, which can best be described as Homeless Chic. Can you imagine if I dressed the way women wanted me to? I may be appointed their leader and you’d all have to ask my permission to have sex with any of them. The Broncos lost (huge sigh), and JK Dobbins couldn’t score me 10 fuckin points to win my matchup. Bijan did fine, Chuba and DJ Moore did great, but Goff petered out and Luther Burden scored 4 points when Chicago scored 59. It’s week one, my team scored decently, but I’m annoyed.

(After Week Two)

Alright! I mean my team scored less points, but DJ Moore got hurt, Bijan was trash (Cooper Rush’s fault), and I still spanked Tank’s little butt behind Jared Goff’s 32 point outing. May have to give up on Luther Burden at the moment. Fuck I have no other receivers doing anything, meh Caleb Williams is being dramatic and Luther will find his rhythm. Hey Tank, including your bench you had five players score zero points this weekend. Haha! Fuckin loser. I’m feeling fine about being in sixth place with my team not playing as a cohesive unit yet. Really stoked to see a tie already this year and support Ragen in his new-found lifelong quest of getting these dumbasses to switch to fractional scoring. Matched up against AO, he’s projected for 57 currently, love that. Stagg chili is still the best!

My name is Anthony Terrel-Perez, my fantasy bank account benefits massively from my proximity to Bradley every year. I also have gotten ridiculously good at golf and can now call myself a pro. Turns out Ashton Jeanty was totally healthy and is a badass workhorse, 29 points from him in week one is sick. 27 from Lamar, 20 from Breece Hall, and the rest is semantics. Beat Dallas 109-106, never even sweat it. Okay fine I needed every bit of Rashee Rice’s 7 points, and the Broncos D scared me a little, but not really, I swear I didn’t break a sweat. Loveland scoring zero when the Bears score 59 is gay. Was also REALLY hoping Nabers would have done more in a Giants win when the offense was working. All good, week one win is a week one win, let’s go!

(After Week Two)

Well shit. Lamar Jackson and the Ravens got shut down by the Saints. Breece Hall is trash. Jeanty is trash. Nabers is the hurt kind of trash. Loveland is the what the fuck is happening kind of trash. I better go ahead and call in that favor Bradley owes me so I can have a TE that actually catches footballs. Hampton scored a tuddy! Hey Spencer! Your QB and your kicker were the difference here, your team is trash. One name change gets my team on track, let’s go! Jake how much we betting??

My name is Jakob Elliott, not only do I sell wood but I lay it down on you mother fuckers every single regular season. Everyone knows winning in the regular season requires skill, winning in the playoffs requires luck. I have a league high 12 playoff appearances (okay fine, tied with Ragen) and 50% of those appearances end in a top three finish. I like bears, video lottery, and kicking ass. Everyone should go ahead and bow down to the king…Henry of course. 36 points from my boy, 24 from Zay Flowers. Joe Burrow sucked and the rest of my team didn’t do shit, but I handled Spencer and the Ravens worked Indy. Let’s fucking go baby!!

Matchup with Caleb incoming. Nobody in this league has dominated anyone else more than my domination of Caleb. 19-3 all time. This should be a cake walk.

(After Week Two)

Fuck you Saquon Barkley. Little pussy ass stinger knocking you out of the entire game is weak shit. DK Metcalf is dead to me. How the fuck does the Ravens defense only put up three on the Saints? How the fuck do the Ravens lose that game??? Caleb, you’re a cheater, can’t believe you pussed out and illegally picked up the Giants scrub WR to win the game for you. Should have beaten you without both my starting WRs. Whatever, 19-4 bitch. This could be a tough little stretch is Zay doesn’t come right back. King Henry will get me through. All hail the King. Tank you’re getting smoked this week.

My name is Caleb Trowbridge. I’m the Commish. I like missing a Week 1 Commish Note then pouring my heart and soul into the next week’s. I also like going deep in the playoffs once I make it there. Seven of my ten playoff appearances ended in a top three finish. Yes, four of those was 2nd place… huge sigh. That’s 40% of the time I make the playoffs I get 2nd. Nevermind I kind of hate these stats, fuck. Wooooooo! Goddamn I love owning Jahmyr Gibbs. 31 bomb to start the season, hell yeah! Nico and Kyren were okay, Santos was money from the kicker slot. Things are looking good going into Monday Night Football. 21 point lead and Bo Nix against Kenneth Walker III. Nothing to worry about here. Oh no. NO! My holes are feeling frothy. KWIII goes off for 33, Blow Dix can only muster 5, and I lose by 7. Rough start, on to next week!

(After Week Two)

HA! Suck on that Jake! I also didn’t have either of my starting WRs, but I sure as hell had Bryce Young, and a clutch 13 from Kyren, but the clutchest 3 from Malachi Fields ever. Can’t dig yourself out of a hole if you don’t start digging! 4-19 baby. Looking at my matchup against Bradley… I can’t really believe his team has scored any points at all. I can’t help but feel my skin tingling from whatever spell he’s casted on me. Probably nothing. Next!

My name is Aric Ott. I’m tall, I’m good looking, and I’m the only person in this league who can say with a straight face I’ve kicked Nick’s ass. Stole one against Scott Week 1 baby. My boy Caleb Williams coming out looking hawt. Hey Commish, just curious, how much did you spend on Bo Nix? Hey Nick, What’d Drake Maye set you back? Could have had Caleb Williams and actually dominated your matchups Week 1. Alright I’m gonna need more from my squad in Week 2 than god mode Caleb Williams, but 1-0 is 1-0!

(After Week Two)

Oh no. No no no no no. 30 points. Thankfully I checked with Eric, and Bradley put up a seemingly untouchable 15 points one week in 2023, otherwise I thought I was in danger of lowest score ever. There is no good news here, my team hasn’t looked good in two weeks save the monster from Williams. Time to work the phones. Dial for dollars. I’ll bang your line boys. Wait there is some good news, I have 103 points scored and I’m still somehow ahead of Nick AND Scott in the standings. Here we go.

My name is Nick Trowbridge. I am the championship GOAT of this league. 50% of the time I make the playoffs I win a ring. You all can get fucked, my team names aren’t that bad. It’s cute you think one shot every year will somehow stop me from drafting a team that will beat you. Sure, I’ve missed the playoffs nine of our years. But four ships is four ships baby. Tough week one loss, fourth highest scorer and have to face the highest scorer… can’t be terribly mad about it. I am mad, however that Drake Maye looked like shit. Javonte Williams and Chris Olave were incredible keepers, stoked on that, the sun god had two receiving IDs, love that. Whatever, Mason’s team probably actually sucks, he got lucky. On to the next.

(After Week Two)

Sigh. Goddamn it. First of all the Sun God is so back and you should all pay your homage. Of course I go back and forth all week between Fannin and Gesicki, only to start the asshole who scores 0. Goddamn it!! I also went back and forth between Diggs and Jameson Williams, only to also make the wrong call. What are the odds I pick the wrong way on both? Starting to worry about Drake Maye. I’m annoyed I didn’t just get Tyler Shough for 1F like I had planned on. Shit. I should never second guess myself. I listened to you assholes and made the wrong call. Oh well, love the tiebreaker I just got. You boys just hang tight, I’ll be in the mix in three weeks. One more time for the road. Four championships. Lick my balls.

My name is Scott Moyer. I enjoy raising my sons and teaching our nations youth at Sutherlin High School. My dream Saturdays involve getting to Home Depot early, watching the Ducks make me happy (until they don’t), and getting some projects done around the house. I enjoy a nice glass of warm milk before my strict bedtime at 9pm. Goddamn Kyler Murray little piece of mouse shit. -2??? Jaylen Waddle! ZERO??? Of course, I left a 29 spot from Christian Watson on my bench, also Parker Washington had 14, hard to not start Waddle there, but I’m pissed. This one comes down to my QBs early exit. Hard to see that coming.

(After Week Two)

Woof. Well of course I benched Waddle for him to finally score some points. It never feels good to get the shit smacked out of you, but at least I couldn’t have changed the outcome with start/sit decisions. 0-2 really sucks. Especially because I should be 1-1. At least Mason is already padding my points against stats so I can bitch about that in Week 8. Sigh. I really think my squad is much better than this. Do I trust Kyler Murray again this weekend? Can you imagine how much I’m going to get made fun of if he dies on the field again? I mean the Vikings have looked good and he’s their starter. Fuck it. I’m doing it. Fuck you Ragen! Bald bros for life.

Commish Out.